Blog; Moving Towards Change
Ambivalence is normal: How to move towards change
“I learn what I believe as I hear myself speak” by Bill Miller
“After all, when you seek advice from someone it’s certainly not because you want them to give it. You just want them to be there while you talk to yourself” by Terry Pratchett
Any time we think of making a change, we typically feel at least two different ways about it. We wonder is it the right time, what happens if something changes, what if after all our efforts, we still feel the same way. We may begin by writing out a list of the pros and cons, and then stay exactly where we are, in the status quo.
In the book ‘Lean In,’ Cheryl Sandberg asks ‘what would you do if you weren’t afraid?’
Perhaps go on a date, begin a healthier routine, call old friends, schedule self-care, begin updating a resume, invite people over for dinner, take a yoga class?
Rick wonders if he should end his long term on and off dating relationship. He contemplates, that it is time to move forward, make a decision. Rick and his partner decide to stop seeing each other. He then buys her gifts when returning from holiday, they end up back together again.
Rita is in a job that she hates, but at least she knows what to expect when she arrives. Her manager is moody, and unpredictable. Colleagues are going on stress leave, and she is expected to work overtime without pay. She just got a promotion, now she has to work even harder with little thanks. She is grateful she has a job. Lots of her friends are only getting internship opportunities. What if she leaves?
Ted has been smoking pot since his teens. He thinks it is helping him cope with anxiety. He has career goals that are not being fulfilled. He wonders if the daily smoking is holding him back. He likes smoking. He is debating if he could make a change.
Getting past ambivalence, where to begin:
Here are some questions to ask when considering making a change.
On a scale from one to ten, ask yourself the following questions. Ten means it is one of the most important decisions right now, a one means it is not very important to you today.
1_________________________________10
On a scale from one to ten, how important is this change?
What are the three main reasons you are at this number and not a lower number in terms of importance (for example what are the three reasons you are at a 6 and not a 3)?
On a scale from one to ten, how confident are you that you could make this change, if you decided?
On a scale from one to ten, how committed are you to making this change?
What do you think you will do, if you decide?
For example, Rita rates at a 6/10 in importance of why she wants to find another job. The three main reasons she rates herself at a 6 and not a 3 include:
She finds herself feeling depressed going to work each day, sleeping poorly and not having time to exercise.
She knows she is not using all her skills at her current position.
She has proven herself in this role, and can find other jobs, even if it might take awhile.
Rita rates herself as 6/10 in confidence, knowing she has the skills to find other work, and some solid experience.
Rita rates herself as 6 in readiness. She decides she is ready to put together her resume within the next two weeks, and make three networking calls to potential employers.
If nothing changes, what do you see happening in the next year? If you decide to change, what will it be like for you?
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” by Anais Nin
These questions around change are based on psychologists Bill Miller and Stephen Rollnick’s work on Motivational Interviewing.